Wednesday, January 26, 2011

First Cold = ( and a deeper realization

Our little baby is sick =(  I knew it had to happen sooner or later, but she came down with a little cold.  (Yes, I know a little cold is no huge deal, and I'll probably laugh at myself years down the road at my reaction to this little cold!).  I am thankful it's just a cold, but I feel so bad for her.  She has sounded pretty congested for a little while and then had a super gunky eye starting on Sunday.  We took her to the doctor yesterday and thankfully she doesn't have pink eye, her cold just traveled up her sinuses and caused the gunky eye. 

The only noticeable difference in her demeanor is that she just has wanted to sleep a TON.  I feel like in the past three days she's just awake to eat then wants to cuddle and go right back to sleep.  That's meant lots of cuddling and not much else!  Thankfully today she's been willing to take a couple naps in her bed so I've been able to get a few things done (including updating the blog!)...

Kinley being sick has made me realize once again how much I've changed becoming a mom.  My heart actually hurts watching her be sick!  I want so badly to take away any pain from her.  Since becoming a mom, I've also noticed that I have random fears that will pop in my mind and literally cause me soo much anxiety.  For example, once while we were on a walk we passed a ditch and I had a terrible fear of her stroller falling into the ditch...not kidding I could see the entire scenario play itself out in my head.  Or as I walk around the house with her I'll suddenly have a gigantic fear of tripping and falling.  The worst was two weekends ago when we took a quick trip to Galveston.  Our room was on the 4th floor and the hallway getting to our room was open-air...more like a balcony.  It took just about everything in me to walk down the hallway while holding her for fear that she would fall over the edge.  I was just about hugging the wall as I made it to our door.

My sweet and wise husband has reminded me and prayed with me and for me that I would stop in these moments and take my thoughts captive as it says in scripture "...and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5).  I recognize that the fear I'm feeling is not from the Lord, and does not come from a place that is trusting and hoping only in the Lord.  I do trust the Lord with every single second of Kinley's life and I do believe that He alone knows the number of her days.  But I also recognize that I must struggle and strive to believe that truth again and again day in and day out!  I'm so thankful for a gracious God that understands when I lack trust!

I'm also learning how deep my love for Kinley runs and how that literally affects EVERYTHING in me!  It makes me realize in a new way how deep my Father's love is for me!  I think about wanting to take something like a small cold from my baby girl, yet Jesus sacrificed his entire LIFE for me.  Because of sin I was separated from God and had no way of having a relationship with Him.  His love is so profound that He chose to leave perfect heaven to walk on this earth, be scorned, doubted, and mocked.  And then He chose to die for me.  All so that our relationship could be mended if I would choose Him.  That is love.  I pray that the truth of that would sink deeper and deeper into my soul because I believe that the more I understand and believe God's overwhelming love for me, then more I'll desire to lose my entire life for Him!

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."  1 John 4:10


  1. Amanda, when I'm with my nieces and nephew, I have similar thoughts. I imagine myself practically killing a kidnapper to save them, and tears well up in my eyes. I'm embarrassed to admit that I imagine crazy scenarios all the time (escaping fire, the car going off a bridge) and try to plan my survival, but this comes from a life with my Dad who was in Vietnam. When I have my own kids, I'm sure I'll understand exactly what you're going through. Good thoughts, though. We are very loved.

  2. I totally relate with you in those fears! Praise God for giving us husbands who'll speak Truth to us! And yes! Isn't it amazing how radically your understanding of love (yours, as well as our Father's) is being changed?? Thanks for sharing!